Things You Can Count On: School Concert/Public Speaking

Things you can count on; School Concert P(r)ep Talk:

1) You will remind your husband of the start time of the school concert.

2) You will remind him in person and via email. Twice.

3) You will still have your doubts.

3) You will explain to the GFYO, as best you can, what "in two hours" means.

4) You will say "not yet" and "not now" in about thirty different ways.

5) With 20 minutes to spare, your 2nd grade daughter will relent to braids.

6) But she will not tuck in her shirt -- no way now how.

7) With 10 minutes to spare, the GFYO will say "wait? where are we going?"

8) You will make sure you have the bouquets for the teachers and the other gifts and your very small speech on a note card. You will not forget to take your children with you. Hurrah!

9) You will, however, forget to put on a little blush.

10) Your husband will get to the concert before you.

Things you can count on; The Concert:

1) You will think there are more video cameras here then at Radio Shack.

2) You will whip out your own pocket-sized camera and pray that it is charged.

3) Your daughter will be in the back row with the tall kids. You will feel proud.

4) You will wonder, wistfully, what it's like be to be one of the tall kids.

5) You will whisper to your husband "so cute" and "did you see that?" and "omigod that's so cute". 

6) You will decide you overuse the word: cute shoes, cute bag, cute kids.

7) You will think that if all the world's evilest could see a bunch of toothless 7-year-olds singing an Hawaiian song (with coordinating gestures) then peace would fall at last upon the land.

8) And that would be cute freakin' awesome.

9) Your second grader will shock you with her flair for drama. And despite the fact that she would never sing one for you, she knows all the words. She will wave to you from the stage.

10) You will resist the urge to stand up and point and say "That's my kid! That's my kid!"

Things you can count on; The Speech Approacheth:

1) Your heart will beat faster when you realize the finale is coming.

2) The 3rd graders will do the jitterbug and you will clap like a penguin on meth. You will also cry a little.

3) Glenn Miller! Boys dancing with girls! Jazz hands! It is all so... freakin' awesome.

4) Applause. Applause. Standing ovations. Bulbs flashing.

5) You will realize what this means: now you have to stand on the stage and talk into the mic.

Things you can count on; The Speech:

1) You will feel relieved that the stage lights make the faces of your friends invisible.

2) You will make small talk with the people up there with you. But you won't hear a word they say. 

3) You will say, "oh? is it my turn?"

4) You will step to the mic. Which is back in its cradle. On a stand set to kid height.

5) You are short but not that short.

6) Despite years around mics, you will instantly forget how to raise one. You will also forget that the mic is meant to be removed and held in the hand ala Frank Sinatra or Tony Bennett or you get the gist.

7) You will bend over, to kid height, and begin your 3.5 minute speech. Hunched, bent, at kid height.

8) 3.5 seconds later, the principal will remove the mic and hand it to you. You will stand up.

9) People will laugh.

10) So you will laugh with them. You are amongst friends!

Things you can count on; Never leave the script:

1) Then you will say "Oh, you know, I'm just so used to bending over like that..."

2) You will say this while you are holding a mic. Which looks like... You know.

3) Except you won't know. You will have no idea.

4) You will wrap it up, hand out the flowers, smile and say "Bravo!"

5) You are a school-concert-going-tear-shedding-public-speaking-clueless-PTO-ho.

Things you can count on; Someone Will Tell You:

1) You will cringe. 

2) You will die ten thousand deaths.

3) You will sputter "but I didn't" and "and I wasn't" and "really?"

4) Your husband will admit he thought the same thing too.

5) You will shake your fists at the heavens and say "MEN!"

6) Then he will say that he knew what you really meant. Of course I knew, he will say.

7) You will feel better.

8) For ten seconds. For ten freakin' seconds.

Things you can count on; After:

9) You will decide that the next time anyone asks you to say anything out loud in public while sober you will decline and offer up your best friend: Tracy Morgan.

10) "Deal wid it Cate Blanchett!" you should have said. You should have just left it at that.