An Open Letter To Toilet Paper

Dear Toilet Paper,

It is obvious you despise me.

You are never around when I need you! But when my kids do, or my husband?

Good god, man, I coming running with you.

We race off together and shove you through the crack in the door.

I always felt like we were a team.

Lately, not so much.

I think you are saving your succulent tissue for other bathrooms, because hell bells! You are never in mine.

I call to my kids, to my husband, to the random dog walker on the street: "BRING ME SOME TOILET PAPER!"

I thought you would do some kind of inanimate magic like stuff and roll yourself to the lazy Short Drunk People or The Kid, or even me. But no.

But no...

You're too busy sopping up the mess that the GFYO left from a spilt cranberry on the rug because goddammit, I forgot to get paper towel.

Alright, okay. I can wait until someone misses me enough.

I'll try to do a better job of making sure you are where you need to be. Just like the paper towels.

In the meantime, can you quit it with those gross cartoon bears?

No one needs to think about tissue stuck to ass.

And those women who keep talking about being "clean in the bathroom?"

Gross.

Just tell me that you're on sale, alright?

Meanwhile, I'll be drip drying in the loo.

Which is also disgusting.

Enough.

Love,

Picket