Listen. I know you are anothah mutha, so props for that, but dude: what is up?
Can we not make one plan that will get all my children out of my face for three to five hours (say) without you effing everything up? You shine the sun one minute, blow crazy wind the next. Sweaty heat, then need a fleece. Thunder, microfuckingbursts, raining slugs. Ummm? Not to be rude, but...
GET BACK ON THE MEDS, GIRL. Stat.
I've been packing the beach bags/unpacking the beach bags for a better part of the last two months. Making plans, changing plans, canceling plans and then oh! look at you: you just made the frickin sun come out! At the cocktail hour dinner time no less, when everyone is so ridiculously thirsty crabby that we can't.go.anywhere lest we get strange looks and I have to yell very very loudly.
I have mushrooms growing between the boards on my deck. The weeds in my garden are winning. And my hair? Oh dear god woman: have you no pity at all?
I recognize you have some issues, but dude, I am recycling every single one of my beer cans and you know my kids never ever flush the toilet (even when there's poop in there) so c'mon. A few inches of the radar map, that's all I ask. Just a few inches give/take 300 miles in every direction that are not splattered with green masses and red spots and ALERT ALERTs -- yeah, that'd be awesome.
My children will thank you, my husband will thank you, our boat will keep its carbon low for you: and I will plant things or clean things or um, you know, just sit on the couch by myself and make daisy chains and sing folk songs. WHATEVER YOU WANT, I will do it...
I swear I will not rag on you about the current condition of my thighs (my fault) and I guess the skin above my knees and below my belly button is (sigh) just the nature of things, so I will go with you on that and my grey hair too. Because girl, I do love those hydrangea. A lot.
But please, for all that is good and right and that tethers together the last shred of my sanity, please think of the children. Get it together. I need some quiet around here.
Sincerely,
Ms Picket
14commentsBrilliant Person Wrote...
We have had an iffy spring all summer. No pool, no beach that isn't cold, and crazy pour rain, sun, rain.
I feel you.
I don't know if she's going to get that letter, cuz you forgot to put a stamp on it. Sorry, I know I should have said something before the mailman took off with it, but...
Anyway, it was really nice meeting you (very briefly) at BlogHer!
And good luck with that weather thing.
- Margaret
I would tell you to hightail it down here but we're swimming in the rain too. It is full on sucky.
Amen Sista! The sun is out as type...but I'm a little afraid to notice, you know just in case the bitch hears me!
Just move to Florida for the summer.
Mother Nature keeps it either hot or motherfucking-hot.
I reckon the rain comes when she gets bored terrorizing you Yanks.
Get yourself a blow up pool....and put it in the garage....It's REALLY classy.
Jasper has is right. Of course you could just move to the Carolinas. We got our first bout of rain in what feels like forever this past weekend. It was nice not mowing the lawn.
Worst. Summer. Weather. EVER.
I can't wait for summer. It's been raining for months in drought ridden South Australia. Our summer is pretty reliable though. Hope you get something decent out of yours before it is done.
YOU = HILARIOUS
Check and check.
I know that bitch is planning something really mean for hurricane season too.
Oh so sorry for that nasty weather but it makes for one hysterical post!
A little rain won't hurt the kids....... ( okay, the lightening would probably be bad.....)
I shouldn't be laughing at your predicament........
what can I say????
you're a frickin' riot!!!!
Can I add my name to your letter? Today was the first day in I can't remember when that it was nice all day. All. Day.
Which had better not mean that tomorrow will suck because tomorrow I'm planning on taking the girls to the beach for the first time ever (for them, not for me). If it rains tomorrow, I shall be writing Mother Nature my own harshly worded letter.
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