While lost in the middle of the corn maze, R needed to take off her sneakers -- nothing new, since readjusting shoes is her speciality. Velcro undone, sweaty foot uncovered, she squawks with delight, "Smell the love, people."
While waiting desperately for the umpteenth sippy cup of milk, the GFYO says, "I really want that milk BECAUSE I HAVE A PENIS."
While chatting about the difference between things we want and things we need and hearing my lecture that nothing is free, B gestures to the playroom and reminds me (with the righteous brilliance that comes with being 9), "Unless its some crap couch on the side of the road, rigggggght Mom?" ("Please don't say crap," I reply and thus, WIN.)
I mention these things because it's not Nanny 911 that I need (though thank you Anonymous for the tip) (PS: probably a different Anonymous but you know, whatever). What I need is a laugh track that plays through speakers implanted somewhere in say, my shoulders or maybe in my ponytail, that is triggered every time one of my kids speaks.
Because then I could break for commercial, make some fat fat cash, and blame the writers.
(I should mention that what I really want to write about is the fact that the three states I have lived in (for more than two months) have made gay marriage legal (um, yes, thankyouverymuch) and (surprise, surprise) I gots some ohpinions about that. But I need to get the Drunk People to bed before I get all thinky, which is kind of like Deeples' mathy but not as funny.)
11commentsBrilliant Person Wrote...
I think we could all use a laugh track, commercial breaks and someone to blame.
I don't know how you feel about same-gender unions, but could you please move to my state so we can make them legal here.
OK. Maybe I've said too much. Begin laugh track....
Funny my claims to a penis have yet to render me anything let alone a sippy cup of milk.
My FIL was a buyer for three major homegoods retailers. Each went out of business shortly after his tenure there. At least the gay marriage thing was positive for somebody.
See, at least your GFYO isn't confused. That lady in the picture? Her son's name was BEAVER, so he wasn't at all sure why he wanted that cup of milk.
'Course, he's trying to hitch a ride to one of the states you've lived in...so he can feel the LOVE and all.
Insert laugh track here.
I love that the penis somehow entitles him to milk on demand. And I think B is old enough to walk around with some kind of laugh track button thing and press accordingly. Everyone needs stagehands.
I would be down with the laugh track. Hell, sometimes I wouldn't my life being a musical, and we all break out in random dance numbers, all beautifully and seemingly spontaneous!
Perhaps we can save B by giving him (instead of a laugh track) a recording of Alex Trebek saying, "NO! Wrong Answer!" every time he comes up with that penis=entitled thing? I suspect his future wife would thank.
Forget the laugh track. Your stories are funny enough to be filmed in front of a live studio audience!
"I really want that milk BECAUSE I HAVE A PENIS."
Seriously? That made my non penis almost pee a little. You do that to me - have you noticed?
And anonymous... they/he/she/it does not know you very well! I would guess its the same they/he/she/it only because I am cynical and I think they/he/she/it is just jealous of your hawt smaht wikkid ways!
And yes, while no Mrs Cleaver, you would ROCK IT LIVE STYLE!!!!!!!!!! (you are much hawt'r)
I can just picture the GFYO using that same rationale on his future girlfriends someday...
I think all men (and boys) could probably follow almost every statement of need with, "BECAUSE I HAVE A PENIS!"
Too which we can be all, "Well, we have 2 ovaries and two is more than 1 so we win!"
And then they'd be all, "OH YEAH.. well, we have...."
and it would just go deeper into the anatomical gutter until finally we win for having cuter hair.
Smell the love KILLS me.
And muchas amos for the link!
ps. Please tell what GYFO means? Please? Please?
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