Head to the grocery store to buy dinner as the cupboards are always bare and I need more laundry detergent. Feel as if there are bugs ALL OVER MY BODY. Get the Short Drunk People to do Grocery Scavenger Hunt so we can get this abysmal mission done quickly. While each kid finds the one thing assigned to them, they also all come back with boxes of something we definitely don't need but I throw it all in the cart anyway.
In my haste to get home to change laundry, to check Bridget, to start homework, to vaccuum all surfaces, to throw away all hair accessories, to freak out in silent horror at the plague upon my house, I slam my head against the car door and scream GODDAMMIT MOTHERFUCKER.
I notice the nice nurse lady pushing her cart through the lot. I notice she notices me.
If I wasn't such a morally upright human being, I would consider burning my entire house down. In some twisted logic, this seems like the most efficient way to de-louse, clean up, skip homework, and earn a dinner out.
But alas, arson is not in my arsenal of criminal skills so instead I'll just pretend for the twenty minutes it takes to write this that I am in a convertible, driving empty roads somewhere beautiful and sunny. I will pretend that my hair blows perfectly behind me, that the late afternoon sun makes me golden and young-looking and that I am singing at the top of my lungs in perfect pitch with a trunk filled with healthy food everyone will love. I will not be itchy.
For the twenty minutes it takes to write this, I will run away and anyone who finds fault with that can suck it. I come home every time and this time, I will stuff every pillow in the house and haul 'em all to the curb. I will start all over, rising from my own ashes.
7commentsBrilliant Person Wrote...
Well, at least you weren't yelling it at the kids.
I burned my house down about a month ago.....I still feel like bugs are all over me.
How hard can arson be, really? I think you and the kids could figure it out. But then your lovely house would be all gone. And that's no fun because I want to visit there again some time.
It's like those commercials -- "Want to get away?"
Hope you picked up some MLs at the store, so after the kids are in bed you can pop a cap and give yourself a much-needed, much-deserved break. BTW - I have a friend who got rid of the little creatures by putting olive oil in everyone's hair and wrapping heads in Saran Wrap. It sufficated the little suckers and kept the eggs from sticking. Might look a little funny when you venture out of the house though!
Poor Ms. Picket. That was a really bad day.
UUUGGGHHHH!!!! Now you've got me all itchy, too. Dammit.
Well, maybe that'll at least give you some perverse moment of pleasure.
I heard that. I've been off work with visiting family and full time kids and I'm on the verge of losing my shit.
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