Funny HaHa or Funny Y'now

I worry about being funny.

I have never been the prettiest girl -- features too big and too unusual to be typically "pretty" -- but I rarely think about that now. There are even times when I love the way my face has aged: the harder edges look better to me than the baby-fat roundness I had when I was younger.

But I had some things then that made me matter: my loud mouth, my taste in music and the ways in which I could make people laugh. I asked That Man about it since he knew me then, and he said, "Yeah, you were funny ha-ha." (He also said I was kinda sexyhot (and had big boobs) but I am pretty sure that's his job to say so, and also, I'm sure he can't really remember anyway.)

I ditched the roundness in the face and added it to other parts of my body, and for that I am also somewhat, maybe, kinda equally content. "I had three kids," I can say and that helps. Maybe. Kinda.

At least I'm funny, right? Am I funny?

I feel much funnier in my day-to-day life, but here, I just seem so deadly serious, so dreadfully contemplative, so un-funny and lame. And when That Man points me to an awesome site (www.finslippy.com) and I read it and I love it and I love him for sharing it with me, I just end up feeling jealous and less funny and less clever and like a complete downer.

That Man? He can't be be more irritated by this lameness of mine -- all his good plans foiled -- and also he hates what sneaks up in me: my insecurity. He counts on me to be the loud mouth, with the good taste in music: the ballsy girl, "self-assuredly bored" as he wrote, who is funny, too. He counts on me to play tough.

He says, "you think a lot" which I understand, because I do think a lot. That's not a bad thing, and I'm not entirely positive , but I think he mostly agrees. What I do know is that there are not enough words to make a real person real on the page: it's just a little bit we can manage to tell.

It's only a small part we share most of the time anyway -- in words, or at pick-up, or at parties, or anywhere else really. We just give what we can, and when we can, and maybe, we just give what we want to.

Right now, I just want to be funny. Funny ha-ha.