Take My Wife, Please

With all the hullaballoo in Texas and the creepy allegations against the even creepier FLDS and Warren Jeffs, it's not just Barack and Hillary and Myanmar and earthquakes that keeps me all news-houndy and obsessive. Polygamy is the kind of cultural news that really gets a girl all thoughtful. And mildly squeamish.

I watched a few episodes of Big Love and I've seen their real-life counterparts on Oprah: the soccer-mom polygamists next door. Well, they're not next door to me actually, but they could be, they look the part, and if I could get past the whole one husband-three wives thing, we might even be friends. And dare I say it, I kind of, sort of, a little bit see the upside to their "arrangement."

Because I could really use a wife. And though the joke's presumably been played out, there is a lot more I could get done with another wife around the house. We would never run out of milk for one or forget to pick up the dry-cleaning/mail the package/bring in the trash cans, but mostly I think we would blow off all that boring crap and instead dig around in the garden, trade books and magazines and clothes, and take turns playing Wii with the kids. Upsides galore!

It's the whole sleeping with the same husband thing that kind of freaks me out. Which is very likely the upside for the husband. That, and the harem of house-cleaning, kid-having, dinner-cooking babes to make a dude feel all King of the Castle. Do you think the sister-wives (with 22 children to raise) feel like Queens of the Castle, or do they have to take turns with that too?

I'm being judgy and icky on this issue perhaps but the whole thing just smacks of men using God and the Bible to shore up their hyper-exaggerated 1950s-esque pre-Betty Friedan version of marriage. It's seems a little too perfect that God's word would make it so men can enjoy a steady stream of younger and younger wives while the women's reward for such faithfulness is to be crowned "First Wife," which is pretty much a dressed up version of "Old Maid," emphasis on the maid part.

All this ranting aside: to each their own, as long as the rape of children is kept of out it. I honestly do hope there is an upside for women who choose a plural life (beyond the solace their faith allows). Because while I can see the potential benefit of having a live-in, unpaid helping hand and playmate, I am quite sure I can manage with my own (albeit non-live-in) version: my friends and neighbors, the same sistahs who would surely respond to The Stud's taking of another wife with a loud and unanimous, "oh no he didn't" and then help me beat him up with a broom.