Things You Shouldn't Say to Your Husband When He's Out of A Job

You should not suggest he re-do his voicemail message on his cell phone. This will result in an hour of explaining to him that even though his voice is all kinds of macho low, he does not need to channel Eeyore when he speaks. Also, while attempting to re-do said message, he will say "fuck" into the tiny mic way more times than is acceptable.

You should not agree to edit a cover letter. Editing sometimes involves actually changing words and that might be painful. 

Do not try to joke that "Just Do It" is genius but grammatically incorrect because he will not find it funny. 

Do not remind him that when he got his first job as an ad writer, you "joked" that it was not like he was writing poetry or anything. He will not find that funny either. 

You should not laugh when the GFYO asks him to "get me ice cream" because "you don't have a job" and "you are home all day" and "so go get it." DEFINITELY do not laugh at that.

You must not make a crack about him getting his haircut in the middle of the day and add that you are in fact the one that really needs the hair attention. He will remind you that it costs him $19. It costs you that much times a lot more and so you will get all ranty and ravey about inequities and stuff and just be pissed off in general. With a really sad 'do. That needs some "enhancing." 

You should not suggest his car is making a funny noise. He will get it fixed. It will cost money. Like a haircut and a color money.

Do not say that "hey, since we're near New York" while visiting his ailing grandmother (94 and not long for this world) by way of his parents in Connecticut that it might be really fun to extend this "spring break" with an educational Museum trip in the City. After he pays the hefty parking and admission fees, he will insist that you and your Short Drunk People see every.exhibit.in.the.whole.stinkin'.place. Every one. The Northwest Indians? Yup. Meterorites? Check. African mammals? Uh huh. You will drag the girls while he carries the GFYO through the dinosaur bones but listen lady, you have gotten your money's worth.

When they fight in the car, exhausted and on their way through Manhattan's best ("look!" you will excitedly say to very uninterested ears, "an apartment building... with a doorman!"), he will miss the turn to the tunnel and actually ask for directions. 

Do not gasp when he does this.

It's best if you just laugh louder at his jokes, remind him how incredibly brilliant and good looking he is, and also, if possible, put your effing foot down somewhere in between the Giant Squid and the Neanderthal and hustle you and him and your Short Drunk People out of there. If you can't edit his cover letters, at least you can edit his crazed-man-in-a-Museum itinerary. Maybe.

Oh yeah: Origins of Species? Just a place to hear the GFYO's voice echo the word "Boob!" through the hallowed hall... More of that later...