You should not suggest he re-do his voicemail message on his cell phone. This will result in an hour of explaining to him that even though his voice is all kinds of macho low, he does not need to channel Eeyore when he speaks. Also, while attempting to re-do said message, he will say "fuck" into the tiny mic way more times than is acceptable.
You should not agree to edit a cover letter. Editing sometimes involves actually changing words and that might be painful.
Do not try to joke that "Just Do It" is genius but grammatically incorrect because he will not find it funny.
Do not remind him that when he got his first job as an ad writer, you "joked" that it was not like he was writing poetry or anything. He will not find that funny either.
You should not laugh when the GFYO asks him to "get me ice cream" because "you don't have a job" and "you are home all day" and "so go get it." DEFINITELY do not laugh at that.
You must not make a crack about him getting his haircut in the middle of the day and add that you are in fact the one that really needs the hair attention. He will remind you that it costs him $19. It costs you that much times a lot more and so you will get all ranty and ravey about inequities and stuff and just be pissed off in general. With a really sad 'do. That needs some "enhancing."
You should not suggest his car is making a funny noise. He will get it fixed. It will cost money. Like a haircut and a color money.
Do not say that "hey, since we're near New York" while visiting his ailing grandmother (94 and not long for this world) by way of his parents in Connecticut that it might be really fun to extend this "spring break" with an educational Museum trip in the City. After he pays the hefty parking and admission fees, he will insist that you and your Short Drunk People see every.exhibit.in.the.whole.stinkin'.place. Every one. The Northwest Indians? Yup. Meterorites? Check. African mammals? Uh huh. You will drag the girls while he carries the GFYO through the dinosaur bones but listen lady, you have gotten your money's worth.
When they fight in the car, exhausted and on their way through Manhattan's best ("look!" you will excitedly say to very uninterested ears, "an apartment building... with a doorman!"), he will miss the turn to the tunnel and actually ask for directions.
Do not gasp when he does this.
It's best if you just laugh louder at his jokes, remind him how incredibly brilliant and good looking he is, and also, if possible, put your effing foot down somewhere in between the Giant Squid and the Neanderthal and hustle you and him and your Short Drunk People out of there. If you can't edit his cover letters, at least you can edit his crazed-man-in-a-Museum itinerary. Maybe.
Oh yeah: Origins of Species? Just a place to hear the GFYO's voice echo the word "Boob!" through the hallowed hall... More of that later...
14commentsBrilliant Person Wrote...
Sometimes it's hard to say the right thing. I'm bad at that, once in a while. We can't be perfect. We're only human.
Ahhh, Togetherness. Gotta love all that blissful family time!
Um, I could write a book about this. For the future "don't break down crying when the rent/mortgage doesn't get paid." They get UP SET.
Hugs to you!
Are you my wife?
(But c'mon... who doesn't get excited by giant squid? Architeuthis dux, baby!)
Isn't it AMAZING how you can just keep learning all your life? Things you never learned in school but definitely need to know as an adult . . .
So been there. The kick? He asked my Mom (who had never been employed as an editor nor in HR, for that matter) to tweak his cover letter. Oh, we so enjoyed our together time then...
:)
Eeyore saying fuck! Ha! That's my image for the day. Thank you.
I'm so glad he let the GFYO live after he demanded ice cream from the unemployed Eeyore.
The hair thing is SUCH a battle in our house. What's really annoying is I have cut waaaaay back on it and I still get shit when I actually do go to a professional.
Boob!
Dude...I am sorry about the job situation. As you may remember I have BEEN THERE. Any help I can provide, please do not hesitate to have him ask. Sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger than someone you love...
Good luck to you both. Um, want some free laundry detergent? Email me...
Remember- there is no such thing as fun for the *whole* family. Sacrifices need to be made :)
I;m going to pass this on to my partner. While I'm not out of a job, I am at home more than I am strictly comfortable with. I can understand your hub's sensitivity.
chaotic, but it did sound like a fun time. Your writing rocks as usual.
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