Drunk Unemployed Carpenter Seeks Rough Woman With Cigarettes

This is the honest to God true classified dating ad posted about my friend.  By his so-called friends. Not nice, right? (He did get 52 replies though.)

Tonight the drunken carpenter, come looking for smokes at my back door (from a rough woman?) became a hero to me. 

Not twelve minutes before he showed, before I could call anyone, there was rustling off my porch. It was racoonish but more man-sized. I heard it, and then saw it: a man at my back door at midnight. And he left something on the step.

And the Kid is away.

The drunken carpenter, come for butts, said, wait! Are you kidding? and I said no. He checked the pathways around the house, he checked the driveway. He checked the outside of my house like a cop or a hunter. He looked at the porch, and sure enough: he found proof. Someone was here, lurking, and they left an empty bottle of wine. I don't drink wine, yo, which that carpenter knew. He was suddenly sober and on high alert. 

I said, shit. He said, stay close.

There is a longer story about this, the man who did that, who is harmless to me but creepy. It's not worth telling really as it is so pathetic.

But what is worth telling? 

It's that the drunken carpenter who likes rough women with smokes is the guy you always need around.