I like soft t-shirts and boy-shaped shorts. Trouble is: I look in the mirror and see a thirteen-year old skater boy with boobs.
I am approaching 40. I have three kids and a mortgage and a fifteen year old marriage. I have wrinkles around my eyes and weird aches and pains and a glaring, daunting, menacing feeling that I really should care more about what I eat/drink/smoke. And what I wear.
I think Tim Gunn might spit at me. I also think I might talk him into being my new best friend, but even if/when I do, Tim will still be right: he'll just be nicer when he insults my wardrobe.
Because I think maybe it's time to, you know, "upgrade", I bought two dresses online from Target. I like 'em both, because apparently black is the new black and also that whole "blouson" thing hides a multiple of sins. It's pretty much a chic way to wear an elastic waist-band, kind of like Danksin meets maternity wear for non-pregnant non-gymnasts.
I try on my loot and Bridget, delighted all the time by new clothes and fashion, watches. She does not call these "dresses" by the by, as there is no crinoline and they are mostly made of jersey, but I ask her opinion nonetheless and she nods her head. Not up and down (as if to say I LOVE IT MAMA), but to the side, titled and thinking.
She says, is that one a dress?
Um, yeah dude, I say.
She says, bring it here.
Which I do. Turns out that "dress" is something called a tunic.
She says, it's cool I guess -- if you want to show your panties.
Damn that kid. So mean and so smaht. If only I could woo her the way I might woo Tim Gunn. If only I could wear the MOST COMFORTABLE DRESS EVER (which is not really a dress) and not show my cotton underroos at the same time.
I hate fashion.
13commentsBrilliant Person Wrote...
Hello, LINK to product pictures?!?!
Don't feel bad, whenever Megan catches a glimpse of my underwear, her immediate response is... "Gross".
It's great for the self esteem
Well, if underoos must happen, let them be Wonder Woman.
leggings. sorry. the answer is leggings.
I think the 13 year old skater boy in you would wear bike shorts underneath so the boys won't see the underroos when you're on the pipe.
hahaha according to US Weekly, all the celebs are flashin their underroos! so in a way your being SUPER fashionable...i guess.
This made me laugh out loud...and you aren't the only one showing the scivvies...I came down stairs yesterday and my 2 year old said "are those your underwear Mommy?" and I said yes. He then asked, "but where is your penis?"
Ummm. WHAT? But it made me laugh. And explain for the 100th time I do have a penis.
Maybe you could market a new line of underoos leggings.
Or....no underpants/underroos at all.
I say, go Big or stay Home.
I love those new dresses from the '70s. Very nice!! I bet you look fabulous in it.
You need a pic posted for us??
Dude. I feel your pain. I dress quite well for work but my weekend wardrobe of cargo capris, wifebeaters and flipflops are a horror show.
More pressing than my casual 'wardrobe' though is the whole makeup thing.
You'd think that by 39 I would have figured out how to apply mascara without having it glob lines on the interior of my upper eyelids, making me look like one of those freaky kids from A Clockwork Orange.
Any help on that front? Could we seance the ghost of Kevyn Aucoin to give me lessons or some shit like that?
One of the good things about being a man of a certain age is that you stop having to worry about what you're wearing. As an academic, it's even better because people kind of expect us to look - eccentric.
You're a riot. Hey if you need a Tim Gunn stand-in, my partner and I can oblige. Can't say we're as fashionable, but I can imitate his voice.
John
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