Dear Franklin, Little Bear and Elmo,
All is forgiven. Come home.
Love and Kisses,
Ms Picket
PS: I know I was a little hard on you guys. I know sometimes I mimicked you behind your backs, but I never threatened to flush your cartoon head down the toilet (Caillou! I am coming for you, you whiny little runt) so that should count for something. And I sang along to all your theme songs, even when I didn't want to, even when I didn't mean to like at the grocery store or during a dinner party.
PSS: It wasn't that I didn't love you in some ways, because I did: you gave me thirty minutes of quiet after all. Well, quiet from my kids: you were still blaring in the back round with your ducks and your furry friends and all that annoying goldfish chatter.
PSSS: I didn't mean that! Sorry! Ugh.
PSSSS: The thing is guys, it was really much nicer to listen to you than those punks in the hotel and that girl with the wig. And now? The Toddlers in Tiara's crap I have just officially banned and the Jon and flippin' Kate? I resist the urge to serve Slim Jims and Twinkies to my kids for dinner as a protest to Kate's nutritious up-tightness but I can hear you still Elmo, my fuzzy moral compass, saying "uh oh!" so I don't. WWElmoD, I think. He would not serve processed tubes of pig's bottoms, that's for sure. (Though I know you like your salami, little fella, I know you do.)
PSSSSS: I shouldn't have taken you for granted. I know that now.
PSSSSSS: But really? Weren't there like ten million other poor fools who bought Tickle You Elmo so didn't I need to? I mean, honestly, dude: get over it.
PSSSSSSS: That was harsh. I'm sorry.
PSSSSSSSS: So, anyhoo. If it's not too late to make amends and if you haven't moved on so far from my reach, I would really really love it if you could find it in your hearts to woo the mushy brains of my kids just one more time. Bring Thomas the Train, if he's up for it, and please tell the triangle-crowned Teletubby that no one believed those homophobic slurs anyway and I am so so sorry about that crack I made about the whole show making me feel like I was on some bad acid trip because I know that was unkind and unfair and who doesn't love a robot vacuum or chasing rabbits in some English countryside? I mean really! Good times.
PSSSSSSSSSSSSSS: I mean it. I'm sorry. Come back.
12commentsBrilliant Person Wrote...
Hilarious!!! I feel your pain - thanks for sharing that!!!
What about the kids with an i-show? And the crazy rockin' brothers!
Dood, I have to watch ALL of them - the Noggin/PBS stuff AND the kids in the hotel/girl with the wig/i-whoever shit. The joys of have a 14 year old and toddlers.
Feeeeeeeeeeel my pain.
I draw the line at Caillou and YofuckingGabba Gabba though.
I had forgotten how whiny Caillou was. Good god. If you're serious about it then make some Tubbie Toast and open the windows. They come running for that crap.
However, the Caillou CD is actually catchy.
I do miss watching Little Bear with the Things. And playing Blue's Clues (the original Steve version) with them. We had a Handy Dandy Notebook and everything.
Now my girl is all "The N," all the time. And the boy has Cartoon Network issues. If I only I could raise them on afternoon re-runs of Brady Bunch, Gilligan's Island and Get Smart like I was.
Sigh.
Totally funny. I am in that world. We are in this strange level of inbetween, though. Where we moved to, we don't get PBS and we refuse to get cable. (We're stubborn like that.) So we get videos from the video store and the library for fun. The favorite now is Scooby Doo, old and new.
I always thought the Teletubbies were trippy. My daughter liked them, though for a time.
You have NO IDEA how much I loathe Caillou. I think it is abnormal how much I hate his whiny voice.
How the hell did that whiny little bastard Caillou make it past the women on the panel?
pssst...Elmo told me he just likes to hear you beg.
"my fuzzy moral compass..."
(applauding)
You mean, it Wasn't the acid making that show look like that.
It's supposed to be that way?
Fuuuuuuuck. That's trippy.
One thing I am so proud of is that I never had to watch, listen or even look at the Wiggles. Life is good, what can I say
Caillou....gah...
I told my youngest son the show had been cancelled, but dang if I hadn't also shown him how to find PBS on the remote, and the first of my many parenting lies was uncovered!
I miss Arthur. I miss Arthur BIG TIME. I also miss Steve and Blue. Mostly Steve. However, if it meant I'd never have to watch Zac and Cody again, I'd even watch Joe and Blue.
Post a Comment