I wipe the poop off my boy's butt, inspect his ears, his eyes, his nose for leaks and goo, welcome his wet, blubbery kisses, and fret about what he puts in his mouth: yellow snow! a rubber band! an eraser! Then I put him a tiny cage and leave for an hour or so.
See, puppies are not like babies. Babies do not like tiny cages. (Also: if you put a baby in one monster and then leave? Say hello to the nightly news. And jail.) Babies will test their teeth on your boob (if you have 'em), but puppies will test their teeth on every other part of you. Babies do not sniff the ground in circles when they are ready to pee. Babies just pee. Babies start slowly, even 9 months in: puppies haul ass at 8 weeks. Babies cannot drag a boot five times their weight across a kitchen floor! Babies are weaklings. Babies clean up quicker after a bath and look way cuter wrapped up wet in a towel.
Puppies are not like babies. Five year old boys, however? Let's examine:
Fig. A:
The GFYO comes home late this afternoon after playing with a TFYO (tiny five year old) down the street. He whips and whirls his way through the door like a mini-tornado of boots and mittens and a toy-clipped backpack. He grabs his crotch before saying perfunctory thank yous and good byes and scrams off to the bathroom, his socks slipping -- screeeetch! -- and he barely makes the turn, but in he goes, hitting the mark. (Good boy, I call!) He scrambles out (spots of pee on his pants) and heads for the fridge, for the pantry, sniffing around for something tasty and finding nothing, rushes out again for legos? for a robot? for something he forgot about and remembered JUST NOW. I call to him "hey GFYO! come give me a kiss!" and he does nothing.
Fig. B:
He doesn't know his name sometimes.
Fig. C:
Later, he jumps me in excited love -- I'm a lego that way sometimes, as in "oh mom, there you are! where were you? i like you!" -- and rubs my back and twists my ponytail in his fingers. My yapping boy whispers sweetly in my ear, "mom, you might need to wipe my butt."I rest my case.
11commentsBrilliant Person Wrote...
Well argued. I've been teaching my 2 1/2 year old boy to pee outside (like the dog), which he enjoys tremendously.
There is entirely too much poop patrol going on in my house with two-legged creatures; therefore, I think I doomed to never have a dog. I am spent with the poop patrolling!
Love it too funny!
My boy has no problems with peeing or pooping out of doors. I think he likes the breeze on his naughty bits. Or he's an exhibitionist...
The sweet little nothings they whisper in our ears!
I have argued that my toddler is a lot like a cat.
-Must be in-between me and anything I attempt to read
-I have to clean up their poop (In fact, we have a "Litter Locker" that looks very much like a Diaper Genie)
-Never comes when I call
-Only wants to go outside until they get outside, then they want BACK IN NOW
-Howls when hungry/angry/tired/doesn't want a bath
-Fights like crazy when I attempt to trim their nails
Maybe she IS a cat.
And when they climb in bed with you in the wee hours of the morning, you are likely to get a foot in your ear.
From my experience though, babies DO run their bums on the carpet....
Hmmm...not having had a five-year-old boy, I cannot confirm but it sounds familiar.
At least my son doesn't roll in other kids' poop or eat dead squirrels. I have that going for me.
My dog will never eat up my retirement money going to college.
Unless she somehow becomes the smartest dog ever.
Oh my god, I laughed so hard I almost pee'd my pants! Your blog is hysterical.
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