Set: plastic carving knives, spoons, bowls, newspaper, pumpkins, Short Drunk People, Ms. Picket. Ice coffee.
Scene: Short Drunk People deliver rapid fire dialogue at well-intentioned Picket as Halloween countdown clock ticks away.
And.... action!
Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommmaaa! Mom! Mommy!
Mine has hair!
That's not hair; it's guts.
It's hair! It smells! It's hairy!
It's not hair, GFYO: it's guts.
Guts bleed: mine has hair. Stinky hair.
Can I eat it?
(No.)
Can I make a witch? What about a vampire?
(Picket to R: Make whatever you want. But looking at it for thirty minutes is not helping.)
Oh. Well, mine's gonna be funnnkkkkyyyy!
No! Mine is funky! FUN-KEY.
Mom's making yours so it's whatever mom wants to make.
(GFYO thinks.)
Mom, make mine FUN-KEY.
Can I have a knife?
(No!)
(Two seconds pass in silence.)
(Carving knife is slammed on table by nine-year-old.)
I SCREWED IT UP! I HATE MINE! I QUIT!
(Nine-year-old storms off.) (Sigh.) (Nine-year-old returns.)
(GFYO is bored and wanders away.)
(R stares at pumpkin.)
What do witches eyes look like? Like this? (Attempts a glare but mostly, goes cross eyed.)
Do you know that it's a horrrrible time to sell a house?
(What?)
A horrible time. To sell a house. Did you know that?
(Um yes. Why do you know that, B?)
'Cause I'm down. To funky town.
MAKE MINE FUN-KEY yells the GFYO from two rooms away.
I'll probably be sitting here for like two days. I'm just gonna sit here with this pumpkin and wonder about it. I'm just gonna be sitting here forever. Looking at this pumpkin.
(Picket to R: Then put the little knife in and go for it. Just see what happens.)
Yeah, that's what I do and look, I made the dude from Monsters Inc!
But you were like crying ten minutes ago and like... quit.
Whatever, R. At least I'm done.
MOOOOOOMMMMM! She's SOOOOO ruuuuuuuuude!
Am not.
Yeah you are.
(Picket: Enough! This is fun, people!)
She has the good knife!
I do not. I'm gonna pick out all the seeds and we can roast them.
You don't even like them!
Yes I do!
Nooooo, you don't.
MOOOOOOOMMMMM! She's so mean!
(Picket to self: lalalala, go to happy place, think happy thoughts, lalalalala.)
Mom, I think GFYO has a knife.
(Picket, chasing GFYO: GIVE ME THE KNIFE!)
Mom, is mine funky? Like funky funky funky?
Mom, how do I make blood? Can I make blood? Would blood be cool?
Mom, the kid on the news? It says he shot his head with a gun!
(Picket: Oh my god, where's the clicker? Turn off the TV!)
Mom, is mine funky, super funky? Mom, is mine the best, Mom? Mom, I lost my math packet! Mom, I'm hungry. Mom, when's Halloween again? Mom, I don't even think this looks like blood! Where's my math packet? Mom, Mom, Mommy, Mommaa, MOOOOOOOMMMMMM!
(Picket: OH. MY. GOD. Give me all the knives: we're done.)
Carving ends. Short Drunk People disperse. Guts and hair and knives and newspaper everywhere. Ice coffee tossed. Icy beer cracked.
Mom?
(WHATTTTT?)
I love carving pumpkins. Can we do it again tomorrow?
26commentsBrilliant Person Wrote...
You wanna come to my house to carve pumpkins?
I want mine to be FUN-KEY, too.
BWAAAAHHHAAAHHAAA!!! I LOVE it!!! That is absolutely hilarious!
I have never gotten it together enough to carve pumpkins with the kids - and now I don't have to! Thanks for doing it for us, via the internet.
You're a far better woman than I.
Plastic knives, very smart. That way you can't slice your wrists halfway through.
As I sit here on the computer, under the guise of "finding some carving templates," my husband and boys are tackling the first of three pumpkins. It's 7:45 p.m., and one of the three carvers aren't that happy. You can probably imagine which one that is...and why it is I'm on the computer instead!
:)
Pish Tosh, no pumpkins here. I'm not even sure we are giving out candy this year.
How I plan to answer EVERY SINGLE QUESTION posed to me at work tomorrow:
"Because I'm down. Down to funky town."
Absolutely CLASSIC.
Please tell me you at least squished your fingers in the pumpkin guts? God I love doing that. It's totally gross and awesome all at once.
I know this is going to make me a "fake American" but I'm glad we don't have Halloween down here.
That was sooooo funny. I bet not so much for you though. I love how kids are so random and also at the same time get so hung up on one thing.
Sounds like the junior version of "Nightmare on Elm Street."
At least you didn't get overly ambitious like I did - with my lay-offery I decided that we were going to maximize the pumpkin, dammit!
Roast the seeds, scoop out the flesh, make pumpkin bread!
We got as far as carving one eyeball and all three of us quit to go watch Spongebob.
My pumpkin would have needed Tequila.
That would have made it Super Funky.
Like, Rick James funky.
There is a reason is the Car-man's job.
I just roast the seeds. And then wrestle the children in order to be able to eat the most. Yummy.
Whiny children and sharp knives seems like a problematic combination to me. Which is probably why our pumpkins are still sitting uncarved on our front steps.
Just.
Awesome.
Like I always say: one can never have too many "good" knives.
Yet another reason to admire you. The thought of carving one let alone three pumpkins makes my wrist ache. I convinced Nash that painting pumpkins is WAY more fun than carving them. But clearly not as Fun-Key.
I drank margaritas and ate tacos while hub and the old-enough kid carved. I seemed somehow involved, and scooped some seeds out, but notsomuch. It was a wholesome night, and now we have 4 killer punkins on our porch, none of which i carved. Kid's happy, so...yeah. i need a costume or she'll be pissed.
TOOO funny! And I'm not surprised shit on the news ended up in the Halloween conversation. It IS scary!
And...Ms. Picket...I'm still totally diggin' you. No more freakin' out. I mean it. All is well! OK? Dig?
So true! Carving pumpkins and coloring Easter eggs are right up there with my LEAST favorite traditions!
I think I was fortunate that my son got bored and wandered off...
Thank GOD for the beer at times like these.
You are a fun mom...letting your children play with carving tools. I'm such a control freak I only let mine color on their pumpkins.....
And.that.is.why.I.buy.fake.already.carved.pumpkins.
THAT is why!
But I will buy real ones if you come to my house and have that same g-aaa-reat experience with my kids! I will be in the corner doing shots everytime I hear "mom". Hey, maybe we will just let them do it, and WE can be in the corner doing shots when they say "mom", or anything really. Its all the same to me!
That's why I had Aaron do the carving. We have an Barack Olantern
it never goes the way we picture it will does it?
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