Tomorrow is the Kid's last day. This morning I drove him to the train which is code for he is taking a cab home tonight which is code for he will be hungover tomorrow. It's like a wake except everyone kind of despises the dead guy; it's like dead men walking...to the bar over and over and over again.
He deserves it.
Meanwhile, I think I might troll the internets for a jay.oh.bee because 1) we all need to do our part and 2) this seems like the perfect economy for a "retired" former record executive (who hasn't been to a rock club in oh a year or so) (and the record biz is booming) with a resume that includes PTO prez (it worked for Sarah Palin!), sock finder (a truly marketable asset), plant killer (who needs fresh flowers in this New World anyway?) and all-around wishful thinker to seize the dwindling job market and get my 9 to 5 on.
No! Really! It could happen.
Imagine...
Dear Future Employer,
Thank you in advance for your kind consideration. It was pleasure to speak with you on the phone yesterday and please again accept my apologies regarding my son's inappropriate language on the other receiver. I think he was actually saying "I love buying stuff in malls!" and not "I love my balls!" We are looking into a speech coach for him.
Though I mentioned my experience with the interactive market is limited, I have heard about grocery shopping online which means that I am clearly on the cutting edge. Naturally, I was just joking when I mentioned that software is what I store in the bottom of the laundry basket. I am well versed in Word programs (Cut and Paste is simply revolutionary) and I am a pro at ClipArt. (Shall I forward you the school flyers and birthday invitations I have done?)
While I realize the ten year gap on my resume may seem daunting, please understand that my experiences during that time amount to skills one could never fit on a single page. My depth of experience with budgets, human resources, mental health sciences, physical education and nutrition as well as my ability to perform these duties under extreme pressure including sleep deprivation, constant irritating noise and the agonizing expansion of a cervix make me the ideal candidate for any lame job you could throw me. I can carry on three conversations with short drunk people while also talking on the phone, emailing a local politician and/or school superintendent, and sweeping the floor. I handle constant criticism with ease, especially at dinner time, and I know when to walk away and when to play tough. I can handle a multiplicity of personalities at a variety of venues and you know what?
You know the fuck what? Eff you.
You couldn't pay me enough money for what I know and what I can offer and it's really exhausting to explain it all to you, and frankly, I am boring myself doing so.
I look forward to speaking with you again about opportunities that might benefit us both. We can discuss stock options at a later date.
Sincerely,
Ms. Picket
It could work, right?
15commentsBrilliant Person Wrote...
Yes. Absolutely and without question.
I know of a newspaper that needs an editor. Want to move here?
Best.Cover.Letter.Ever.
I'd hire you in a heartbeat.
You could come over to my house and make me laugh, and I could pay you in cold beer and salad from a bag (gotta stay healthy!). Hang in there, Ms. P...
You're funny Ms P.
I think telling the future employer to fuck off right up front is the way to go.
Wait . . . I think I have some catching up to do.
If I had any sort of spare money to throw around, I'd hire you to write my blog for me. Would you accept payment in tomatoes?
Alex, what are Words I Wished I Said Before I Ever Took This Job?
They'd be crazy not to make you CEO. Love, "agonizing expansion of the cervix," You're gifted!
Laughing my ass off! You are hysterical and clearly should be ruling the world. Or some cute little office close to the hood with great benefits.....
Goddammit. As if the job search wasn't complicated enough already... how am I supposed to compete with that cervix stuff?
I give up.
(Hope his last day was... well, less painful that I imagine it might be.)
I'd hire you based on that cover letter. Want to come work in Oz?
Totally would work. Love the cover letter.
That would totally work... on a movie set.
If a woman, of the mom-variety, was doing the hiring, that letter WOULD work.
YOU'RE HIRED!
Oh, Ms. P...
They should be sending YOU letters, getting all exhausted trying to make themselves all APPEALING and whatnot. Seriously dude...do what you have to do, but DO NOT leave me alone in the hood. Do not.
smooch. hug.
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