I'm hanging with Obama this week and we're gonna be kinda busy -- nationalized health care, the War(s), best methods for covering up the gray. Plus, the Secret Service has snagged my WiFi -- so much for "transparency." But fear not Picketeers: I've left the sliding door open and a case of beer on the back porch. It's kinda like chumming for awesomeness. And so, awesomeness? It cometh.
In the form of: Ciii from the Goat and Tater, (and Dadcentric) (yo) who is wikkid good at soccer, but shifty around a free case of beer...
Everything I needed to Know, I learned the Hard Way,
Everything I needed to Know, I learned the Hard Way,
or…..Fuck Robert Fulghum
Here's a little conglomeration of things that I have learned during my 38 years. For "Good or Ill".
When you're just a 'lil squirt and your Dad wants to put you on a sled and push you down that Huge hill, make sure his ass can get to the bottom before you because you have no idea how to steer that goddamn runner sled and you might plow into the fence at the bottom of the hill and get a bloody nose.
That dirt bike that your older neighbor has. You should 'probly not ride it, even though he says it o.k. and that it's totally awesome. You're only 8 and that's a big ditch that you could ride into.
The robot costume that your Mom and Dad made for your Kindergarten costume contest was 100 kinds of bad-ass. Even though it weighed 1.5 tons and you accidentally peed in it and told everyone that it was "Lemonade".
Even though it seems like everything you want while you're with your Grandmother magically appears, it is not o.k. to just walk out of a Candy store with a 24" chocolate rabbit. Employees of said store will chase you and you'll be all confused and crying and trying to eat said chocolate rabbit before "the bad guys can steal your chocolate" and your Mother will make you give back the half eaten item and apologize to the Shopkeep.
Don't eat that plant/flower/weed that is on the playground next to the slide even though the kid with the bad-ass Six Million Dollar Man t-shirt says its o.k. He's probably not a Botanist. And that shit might be poisonous and you may be force fed Ipecac so you vomit for a long time.
When you come home from your friends house, at age 8, all made-up like Paul Daniel "Ace" Frehley form KISS singing "Detroit Rock City", your Mom is going to freak out because she's a big Hippie that only listens to Joan Baez and she'll think you have the devil in you.
And that make-up only comes of with paint thinner or something else toxic like that. So.....you're going to school like that and you think it's cool as the other side of the pillow. Your Mother, however.......not so much.
It's probably not a good idea to jump off the roof of Brian Hickey's house with "Moon Shoes" on. Even though you both think it's gonna be awesome. Someone is gonna get hurt.
Think before you throw that slush-ball at Brian Hickey. He's standing in front of the drivers side window of his neighbors Corvette and Brain is fast, so he might move at the last minute and slush-balls are hard enough to break the passenger side window of a Corvette.
When you tell your mom that you're "going to run away" and then you go to Brian Hickey's house for a few hours, then call your Mom for a ride home and she says "no. you ran away. I wonder where you're going to sleep tonight." She's bluffing. But she won't pick you up until, like, 9:00 p.m. because even though she Is bluffing she's gonna teach you not to write checks that your ass can't cash. And, you'll cry in front of Brian Hickey when you think your homeless and he'll tell everybody at school you're a "crybaby" and you'll have to punch him in the stomach and you'll get paddled by Ms. Rexroat.
While violence of any kind is best avoided, it's o.k. to knock out cold the 8th grader that's trying to put your head in the locker room toilet. Even though you'll get sent to the Principle's office.
You might want to change out of those Umbros and Sambas before you go to the Danzig show. I don't care if you just ended a coaching session and BGD4 says the show starts in 45 minutes and it takes an hour to get to the Venue. Change that shit. Pronto.
That fight that broke out at the Danzig show. It ain't got shit to do with you. And they have knives.
The skinhead in the mosh pit during the Ministry set at Lollapalooza.......He'll kick your ass if you provoke him. I mean c'mon. He's using that other skinhead as a Battering Ram. Even though you may despise those Neo Nazi assholes there's more of them than you.
That Tony Hawk haircut ain't gonna impress that girl in the Ramones t-shirt. She's just gonna think you're a poser douchebag. She's right. Be your own man/woman.
When you're riding and elevator wearing nothing but a ski mask it's inevitably going to stop on every god damned floor because the Older guys on the soccer team pushed all the button, all 26 floors worth, and even though it's an all male Dormitory, there may be, on one of the floors you stop on, a young man walking his date down to the Lobby. And you'll be naked. And they'll call the zoo because they think there's an escaped Anaconda.
Make sure you're not too drunk to do that Flaming Dr. Pepper shot or you could spill the flaming 151 on you hand and not realize your hand is on fire until the bartender says "hey man. your hand is on fire."
If your out of rolling papers you can roll a joint with "flimsy" and Drafting Dots. Architecture supplies know no boundaries.
That punk-rock girl that you met at the Beastie Boys/Henry Rollins show is a freak and later, while amorous, she's gonna try and put her finger in your butt. A little heads up, please, Elvira.
It's not right to get your cat high. I don't care how much he carries on when you spark up the Bong. Scavenger.
If you're eating Mushrooms make sure you're up on current event so that when the topic of conversation turns to the Clarence Thomas/Anita Hill debacle, you don't say "who the fuck is Clarence Hill?" and everyone will thing you're a dipshit and they'll laugh at you and you'll get freaked out and run out of the House through a screen door that you could have sworn was open. Just sayin'.
The bouncer at 328 Performance Hall is always right. You should stop when he tells you to.
That's it for now Kiddies.
Don't steal my booze. Ms. Picket, I'm talking to you.
-word.
Here's a little conglomeration of things that I have learned during my 38 years. For "Good or Ill".
When you're just a 'lil squirt and your Dad wants to put you on a sled and push you down that Huge hill, make sure his ass can get to the bottom before you because you have no idea how to steer that goddamn runner sled and you might plow into the fence at the bottom of the hill and get a bloody nose.
That dirt bike that your older neighbor has. You should 'probly not ride it, even though he says it o.k. and that it's totally awesome. You're only 8 and that's a big ditch that you could ride into.
The robot costume that your Mom and Dad made for your Kindergarten costume contest was 100 kinds of bad-ass. Even though it weighed 1.5 tons and you accidentally peed in it and told everyone that it was "Lemonade".
Even though it seems like everything you want while you're with your Grandmother magically appears, it is not o.k. to just walk out of a Candy store with a 24" chocolate rabbit. Employees of said store will chase you and you'll be all confused and crying and trying to eat said chocolate rabbit before "the bad guys can steal your chocolate" and your Mother will make you give back the half eaten item and apologize to the Shopkeep.
Don't eat that plant/flower/weed that is on the playground next to the slide even though the kid with the bad-ass Six Million Dollar Man t-shirt says its o.k. He's probably not a Botanist. And that shit might be poisonous and you may be force fed Ipecac so you vomit for a long time.
When you come home from your friends house, at age 8, all made-up like Paul Daniel "Ace" Frehley form KISS singing "Detroit Rock City", your Mom is going to freak out because she's a big Hippie that only listens to Joan Baez and she'll think you have the devil in you.
And that make-up only comes of with paint thinner or something else toxic like that. So.....you're going to school like that and you think it's cool as the other side of the pillow. Your Mother, however.......not so much.
It's probably not a good idea to jump off the roof of Brian Hickey's house with "Moon Shoes" on. Even though you both think it's gonna be awesome. Someone is gonna get hurt.
Think before you throw that slush-ball at Brian Hickey. He's standing in front of the drivers side window of his neighbors Corvette and Brain is fast, so he might move at the last minute and slush-balls are hard enough to break the passenger side window of a Corvette.
When you tell your mom that you're "going to run away" and then you go to Brian Hickey's house for a few hours, then call your Mom for a ride home and she says "no. you ran away. I wonder where you're going to sleep tonight." She's bluffing. But she won't pick you up until, like, 9:00 p.m. because even though she Is bluffing she's gonna teach you not to write checks that your ass can't cash. And, you'll cry in front of Brian Hickey when you think your homeless and he'll tell everybody at school you're a "crybaby" and you'll have to punch him in the stomach and you'll get paddled by Ms. Rexroat.
While violence of any kind is best avoided, it's o.k. to knock out cold the 8th grader that's trying to put your head in the locker room toilet. Even though you'll get sent to the Principle's office.
You might want to change out of those Umbros and Sambas before you go to the Danzig show. I don't care if you just ended a coaching session and BGD4 says the show starts in 45 minutes and it takes an hour to get to the Venue. Change that shit. Pronto.
That fight that broke out at the Danzig show. It ain't got shit to do with you. And they have knives.
The skinhead in the mosh pit during the Ministry set at Lollapalooza.......He'll kick your ass if you provoke him. I mean c'mon. He's using that other skinhead as a Battering Ram. Even though you may despise those Neo Nazi assholes there's more of them than you.
That Tony Hawk haircut ain't gonna impress that girl in the Ramones t-shirt. She's just gonna think you're a poser douchebag. She's right. Be your own man/woman.
When you're riding and elevator wearing nothing but a ski mask it's inevitably going to stop on every god damned floor because the Older guys on the soccer team pushed all the button, all 26 floors worth, and even though it's an all male Dormitory, there may be, on one of the floors you stop on, a young man walking his date down to the Lobby. And you'll be naked. And they'll call the zoo because they think there's an escaped Anaconda.
Make sure you're not too drunk to do that Flaming Dr. Pepper shot or you could spill the flaming 151 on you hand and not realize your hand is on fire until the bartender says "hey man. your hand is on fire."
If your out of rolling papers you can roll a joint with "flimsy" and Drafting Dots. Architecture supplies know no boundaries.
That punk-rock girl that you met at the Beastie Boys/Henry Rollins show is a freak and later, while amorous, she's gonna try and put her finger in your butt. A little heads up, please, Elvira.
It's not right to get your cat high. I don't care how much he carries on when you spark up the Bong. Scavenger.
If you're eating Mushrooms make sure you're up on current event so that when the topic of conversation turns to the Clarence Thomas/Anita Hill debacle, you don't say "who the fuck is Clarence Hill?" and everyone will thing you're a dipshit and they'll laugh at you and you'll get freaked out and run out of the House through a screen door that you could have sworn was open. Just sayin'.
The bouncer at 328 Performance Hall is always right. You should stop when he tells you to.
That's it for now Kiddies.
Don't steal my booze. Ms. Picket, I'm talking to you.
-word.
7commentsBrilliant Person Wrote...
Lessons learned:
* Trust no one
* Your mom was right about the KISS makeup
* Anacondas are constrictors
I realized quickly that I couldn't pull off the KISS make up, but damn if I couldn't create a fantastic version of Gene "The Demon" Simmons on my best friend's kid brother, who not only didn't want to be kissed, he also didn't even know what KISS was. Well, too damn bad. Your make up is kick ass.
My wife would agree with you on the architecture supplies.
I too have been lit on fire by a flaming Dr. Pepper. My whole thumb blistered and the bartender laughed at me.
I also learned not to walk an unruly dog in umberos because they are slippery and said dog can drag you across the ground and into the river.
Don't forget to take off the ski mask before doing the flaming Dr. Pepper shot.
Thank you for giving me more things to fret about.
You are right about the Ministry mosh pit. If you are short girl you may get to ride the wave, which means scads of guys feel you up.
I have read this post ten times and I still laugh my head off.
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