The first thing you should do when traveling with children: lower your expectations. Do this especially when you are traveling to see relatives. Relatives who rarely see your children. And who happen to be seeing them at the end of a long summer.
If you expect your children to be either a) bratty b) insolent or c) mute wild animals, you will be pleasantly surprised when they are only slightly rude and slightly naughty. Trust me. I speak from recent experience, as in -- the last three days or 72 hours or 4,320 minutes when my parenting genius was on full display. For my mother in law to witness in real time. Yay me!
The good news, having learned from said recent experience, is that I have adjusted my expectations for our next round of travel. The Short Drunk People and I will take off again tomorrow for visits with an aunt, a grandfather and a couple of old friends with younger children (aka, the kind who still fear the "I'm going to count to five" routine). If the dudes don't break any laws, I will consider it a successful journey. Also per my new lowering the bar strategy, I will plan on our drive taking 10 hours and two fist fights so I can be pleasantly surprised when it takes considerably less time with only one brawl. And I will anticipate losing all of our shoes, so I can congratulate myself when we lose only a few of our shoes.
Meanwhile....
It's not been all beach and bikinis over here. I took a spin in the Minivan Soapbox while she was away at her own beach and waxed poetic about one of the most embarrassing moments of my (sigh) youth. And by embarrassing I mean... oh god: just go over to Kerrie's and laugh at me, OK?
OK.
At least it's not as bad/awesome as the dude at Goat and Tater when he wrote this love song to his younger days which seriously made me hurl, but in a good way. So go check that out too. And while we're getting all linky, read this really sweet thing from Aimeepalooza that made me all thoughtful, but also in a good way.
Just remember: if you are taking any children with you on this virtual expedition (and why would you really?), expect them to write something like xjskgdjftisutf%%&*^*%#%$hjgsfhj in the comment section before you can stop them and then say, "My goodness! He never behaves like that at home!"
I'll believe you.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
ROAD TRIP
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16commentsBrilliant Person Wrote...
I just sent my two with my dad and step mother. She has answered the phone when I call to see if they are all still alive - but my father is no where to be heard. My guess is he found the booze, and the kids are keeping the glass/can/bottle full for him!
Lowering .the. bar.
Mouth agape. Brilliant, Ms. P. Absolutely brilliant.
I posted my travel journal from our recent road trip(10 days total, 4 driving), but didnt record all the mini-tragedies that happened along the way, involving markers on leather seats and pooping on the side of the road and stinging ants...Now, when we drive only a few miles together, I ask out loud how the hell we did it.? But we did, with no homicide. Happy travels to you, Picket.
We made it for two weeks. I may have to take up religion.
That is genius, don't expect much. Pure genius.
What is it with the frigging shoes in the car? My own children remove them as soon as they get in and when we arrive at our destination nobody can find the damn things.
I just cleaned my car out and i kid you not - found at least 10 shoes. Not 10 PAIRS of shoes...ten lonely shoes. Naturally, I've already thrown away their mates when I couldn't complete the set.
My mantra for family vacations, road trips etc. is "There is no such thing as fun for the WHOLE family."
As long as I keep repeating that to myself, while rocking in the corner, I'm usually just fine.
Hilarious guest post btw. I really enjoyed it.
Your so brave to travel with them so often, I would have called it quits after B get carsick on the first trip of the summer! Kudos!
#1 Thanks!
#2 you are so 100% correct. On our last road trip to see the Oracle, Baby G did something he hasn't done in 4 years...he peed the car!
#3 A good road tripping mantra for trash mouth Moms....
"Fuck it."
I like that thought, lowering the bar and all..hmm, kinda takes the pressure off.
After 15+ years as a mother, my expectations have negative numbers attached to them. Yet, oddly, I still find myself wanting to lock them in dark closets with no inside doorknob from time-to-time. Kinda like "The Nanny's" naughty step/corner? But we have a naughty closet.
Oh well, a mom can dream right?
And sorry I've missed like a million posts. My blog feeder was not feeding you on my Blackberry! Darn thing.
The way you have maped out your travel plans is exactly the theory by which I have subscribed to since my college days. Always expect the worse so you can enjoy the great reward at the end! Have a safe trip
Damn, are you ever at home? Have a nice time. Again.
Hey, I was going to tell you that Eldest adores that song you recommended. We had it blaring in the car the other day. She said, "It's brilliant because the music is lilting and sweet and the words are just nasty." Well put, eh?
Did you know we're leaving for a road trip today? Are you trying to scare me? It's working.
I can't believe you would even TRY to go on road trips with kids. I know, I know, bullshit, of course you go on road trips with kids. It's just that I'M TERRIFIED!
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